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Sunday, Scoffs And Smirks: Edition 5


A Newsletter That’s Not A Newsletter…

A Scoffing, Smirking Review Of The Week

(The Scottish-Fold-Is-Some-What-Better-And-Doesn’t-Need-Exhaustive-24/7-Care Edition)

Of Classicist Dietary Outrage!

Once again, Trump continues his rampant desecration of America’s Holy Office. Our emperor of golden toilet thrones, held a GMO, artery-clogging, white trash celebratory feast for the NCAA Football champion Clemson Tigers, this week… As, I’m sure you’re well aware.

This garish display of meat-by-product, carbohydrates and gluten was joyfully stacked on the White House silverware.

You know, the same silverware consecrated by Barack Obama.


(I would like to know why there is a lack of bead-kneading for the Fast Food workers who prepared those dollar menu deals! Those in the doldrums of America’s Caste System! Those who can only be saved by a contingent of Advocates, Allies and Leaders in the $15 An-Hour-Minimum-Wage-Is-A-Living-Wage Movement! Those poor fast food workers must have felt humiliated, subjugated, thawing and microwaving all those patties of slaughter house leavings for that Racist, Misogynist Mongoloid of a President and those elite athletes…Oh, excuse me, elite student athletes.)

Our esteemed keyboard tappers of The Media World, and Cool Activist Academia, seized the momentum of our Twittersphere reactionaries and responded with articles galore…

Cool Activist Academia of Slate rambled about Old Milwaukee populism pissing on the pristine marble pillars of American democracy—or, something like that—while composing delusional text such as this:

“Leading scholars of democracy have consistently warned that Donald Trump’s insistence on breaking the most basic rules and norms of liberal democracy is one of his presidency’s most dangerous aspects. “

Yes, Cool Activist Academic and his “leading scholars” (really, it’s him and his buddies who have a New Yorker reading group at the local cocktail bar) are evidently unable to recall the age of Georgie Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. That whole “Patriot Act/Surveillance State” Thing never happened.

And, Obama with his cronies of Ben “Echo Chamber” Rhodes and Department of Justice Activist Eric Holder, who never hacked and slashed at American Democracy, either.


Oh, that’s right… Eric Holder did it for equality.

Vox did their usual Clarissa-Explains-It-All-Millennialist-OMG-It’s-All-An-Ism routine while Conservative Literary Icon, Kevin D. Williamson, gave his The Parties Have Switched Their Allegiance perspective on the beloved blog of The National Review.



When I was a Young Lad of High School era 90s Grunge—oh, those misty eyed, romanticized days!—I and my friends would often encounter our football team of volatile, toxic masculinity carb and calorie binging at the Fast Food Shack. Clad in their varsity jackets and hunched over catsup smeared tables, the football team would devour burgers and nuggets, slurping their milk shakes while getting pumped to Onyx’s Slam blaring through boom-box speakers.

After being sufficiently bloated, the team would lumber to their Camaro’s, Mustangs and Pick-Up Trucks to drive recklessly to the High School weight room where, under the supervision of the football coaches, the entire team would pump iron for hours, excreting and vomiting the excesses of their carbing.

(This would all occur in a rapid, 1980s movie montage.)

These techniques of athletic training are now frowned upon or verboten.

Though, I’m sure elite student athletes like the Clemson football team would never-ever-ever gorge themselves like they did at Uncle Trump’s spread. Yes, they’re much too busy being monitored by elite nutritionists and encouraged by the team psychologist to repress their inner Soy Boys to demolish the opposing teams of elite student athletes to ever fantasize about the yummies of Fast Food Nation.

Go Alma Mater!

Of course, those of Cool Activist Academia and the keyboard tappers at Vox and The National Review graduated from the privileged environs of New England’s private school system where The Lacrosse Teams would never be caught dead munching on fast food in their Daddy’s BMWs.

But, hey, times are tough, everyone’s gotta keep monetizing those Trump Derangement Syndrome clicks…

Prepare For Death, Earth Tourist… Yellow Stone Is Gonna Blow!

Earth, this ever-evolving organism that humans think they can plunder and pollute, is accelerating its transformation.

Wait, let me rephrase something…

That Globalist Corporations And Governments think they can plunder and pollute.

You know, those Globalist Corporations and Governments that collude to institute carbon taxes, Green New Deals and other assorted perversions of bureaucracy, that allow them to continue their polluting and plundering while the poor and the middle classes pay for the destruction!

HA! Brilliant! Isn’t it?

Anyway, The Yellowstone Volcano is percolating.

“The supervolcano, located in Yellowstone National Park, has erupted three times in history – 2.1 million years ago, 1.2 million years ago and 640,000 years ago.”

Now, remember, kiddies, our Ruling Occultists love the number 3, so the significance of the Volcano erupting on the fourth time causing traumatic destruction is pretty slim.

(I bet Al Gore paid for this article! It’s propaganda! #FakeNews!)

From an earlier January article, Dr Christopher Kilburn, a professor at University College London and “expert in volcanic hazards” stated, “When you have these consequences you have a volcanic winter and then you have crop failures. There would not be enough food to feed the population. There will be mass starvation.”

“Not Enough Food To Feed The Population.”

When isn’t there a supposed lack of food…or, for the progressives, food scarcity?

I mean, isn’t that why Corporate Scientists invented all that delicious Monsanto GMOs?

All those GMOs cured African hunger, right?

And, hell, if you can’t get those slothful Red Stater’s to stop eating meat for the planet, why worry about Yellowstone? Let the Earth continue its evolutionary process of destruction and restoration, and during the tumult it extinguishes our parasitical species of Humanity…

What’s the big deal?

We all have a soul.

Maybe, when the Earth finally implodes, the evil lizard aliens who rule us, will allow our souls to leave their insidious reincarnation cycle and return to the Universe from whence we came…

Awww, dreams.

Spa-Spa-Speaking Of Perverse Government Bureaucracies…

Washington DC Brewery, Atlas Brew Works is suing The Gubment.

Thanks to The Federal Shutdown, Atlas has a batch of beer getting Heineken-like skunky because the Alcohol, Tobacco, Tax and Trade Bureau is unable to approve their keg labels for their Precious One beer—an apricot IPA, for all you bearded, bespectacled, insufferable home-brewers.

Now, the Alcohol, Tobacco And Go-Fuck-Yourself-You-Useless-Meddling-Bureau-Of-Bureaucrats previously approved the bottle label for Precious One. But, you, local, mindful entrepreneur of Beer-dom can’t just slap the same label on the keg, hell no…that would violate federal law.

So, hence Atlas Brew Works lawsuit.

“Atlas and Gura (Atlas’ lawyer) are suing acting U.S. Attorney General Matthew Whitaker (who’s just passed two months on the job), and seeking an order that would prohibit him from enforcing federal law if Atlas does package and sell its labeled kegs without label approval. The suit cites several cases in which the content of beer labels was ruled a form of protected free speech, including a 2015 case involving Maryland’s Flying Dog Brewery and objections to its Raging Bitch beer. This Atlas case is slightly different, because it concerns the labels themselves, not the content of them.”

If Jeff Sessions was still Attorney General, and Atlas sold those improperly label kegs…just, oh, wow.

The Scene:

A battalion of black armored Government forces rampaging Atlas Brew Works, automatic rifles firing, people scurrying and cowering as agents of The Alcohol, Tobacco And Go-Fuck-Yourself-You-Useless-Meddling-Bureau-Of-Bureaucrats enter the brewery wearing sunglasses and those blue, government agency wind-breaker jackets, smiling as the owners of Atlas Brew Works are handcuffed.

At their government tribunal, I mean, trial, the owners of Atlas Brew Works have their entire brewery, properties and monies seized under Jeff Session’s beloved Civil Asset Forfeiture laws

Ah, America.

Thanks for keeping me safe, Mr. Government!

The Football Coach And Truth…

Newly hired Head Glutton For Punishment Of The New York Jets, Adam Gase, was swirling in Twittersphere ridicule earlier this week, when during his introductory press conference, his quirky facial reactions to—the presumably insipid—reporters questions were freeze-framed to memes.

When Gase was a guest on a sports talk radio show—the most horrid of all radio formats—he was asked about his viral fame.

“I don’t have Twitter, Instagram,” Gase said, via the Palm Beach Post. “I don’t read the internet. I don’t watch TV. Like, all that stuff — it’s irrelevant to me. To me, it’s pollution of the brain. I really don’t care. …All I know is, do we win any games because of it?”

“Pollution Of The Brain.”

It reminds me of the old conspiracy theorist dissection of Television:

Tell Lie Vision.

Or, The Boob Tube!

Watching too much television coaxes you into a mental slumber, turns you into a boob, an idiot.

No, for those of the 90s, it was not Skinemax boobs.

Remember, all those late nights spent trying to unscramble that primitive cable tv signal, hoping to glimpse some boobies during Cinemax’s nudie movie hours?

Oh, your parent’s had money for Cinemax?

New England Privilege, indeed…

Anyway, Gase is right: The Internet and Social Media is a cesspool.

Pursue Your Passion—whether it’s football or antique refinishing…no, it’s not social media activism—and let it lead you to a happy grave.


Finally, Beauty From Despair…

Belt Magazine had a pictorial from West Virginia photographer Rebecca Kiger.

Her stark black and white photos documented her time with the “The Recovery Boys” of Jacob’s Ladder’s recovery house in Aurora, West Virginia.

Her images detail how through hard work, friendship and reconnecting with the animals and nature of planet Earth, humans can regain meaning…

Also, if you find yourself adrift in this world, overwhelmed and anxiety ridden, follow Adam Gase’s advice, too…

Thank You For Reading.

Please, Visit My Support Page.

And, Also, There Is A New Episode Of The Weekly Cynic Podcast Comprised Of Articles I Missed From Last Week Because Of Attending To The Sick Scottish Fold.

As Always, Stay Cynical, My Friends.

Sunday, Scoffs And Smirks: Edition 6

Sunday, Scoffs And Smirks: Edition 4