When you are part of a sprawling, forever replicating Catholic family, receiving a wedding invitation—even if its friends committing themselves to this most archaic of social conventions—invariably elicits a nauseating groan.
Wow…Great…You know how many of these I’ve had to endure?
“Would an open bar entice you, Mr. Cynic?”
Wait, is this a Boomer Wedding? A bunch of sixty-something’s splurging their Wall Street largesse?
Or, is it the Boomer Parent funding their Millennial Brat’s open bar?
Either way, not even an open bar with bottom shelf, Soviet-Era-Bathroom-Tub-Distilled-Ethanol Vodka-And-Tonics can numb me to the phony sophistication or Beyoncè booming spectacle of your Wedding Party’s reception introduction…
Believe me, nobody cares about any of those people.
But of course, our Millennialist Cultural Overlords are redefining the wedding experience…
By burdening themselves with even more debt for an Instagramable Wedding.
From that Business Insider article,
Because, The Wedding Industry is a racket.
It’s that carcinogenic lie of The American Dream laced with the opiate derivatives of the The Advertising and Beauty Industries.
Now, with a dash of Millennial, Social Media Solipsism…
Oh, what a splendid selection of ideas from The Aspirational Lifestyle Guidebook you’ve curated for your wedding! You’re having the wedding reception feast in a farmer’s field! The banquet table, that massive slab of wood, was hand carved by a local artisan! The organic, vegan, farm-to-table food was prepared by your friend, the hipster chef! The beer and liquor was supplied by your town’s micro-brewery and distiller!
The strands of Edison lightbulbs that will illuminate the farmer’s field are handblown by a local glassworker?
Do you know how many Instagram hashtags you can utilize for these photos? Think of all the Likes!
Somehow, even after the illusory good times of the Clinton Era economy, The Dot Com 1.0 Bubble Bust, The Housing Collapse and The Great Recession with it’s subsequent, lethal dosages of credit expansion and quantitive easing that has widened America’s income inequality, you would think the hapless, indebted middle classes would…get it.
At least it has created a new Millennial class of bearded, tattooed wedding industry photographers, curators, innovators and foodies.
Oh, not to mention all those broke Farmer’s who have renovated and repurposed their dilapidated barns into wedding venues…
At least the Wedding Industry will survive The Age Of Automation…right?
Or, will weddings not be covered by our Universal Basic Income?
Gotta keep that consumer economy raging even in the end times!
GenX Pro Tip:
To Survive & Thrive In These End Times, Realize You Cannot Be A Passive Product Of The Ruling Industrial, Consumer Complex.
For Your Marriage, Go To The District Justice…
(Just Like My Wife And I)
Then, Have A Nice Dinner At Your Favorite Restaurant.
(Just Like My Wife And I)
A Few Days Later, After You’ve Enjoyed Being Husband & Wife, Invite Some Of Your Idiot Friends & Family Over For Small Plates & Drinks…
(Fuck Off, We Didn’t…)