A Scoffing, Smirking Review Of The Week
Down The Rabbit Hole Of Connections, Convolutions & Conspiracies
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Plundering The Earth And Beyond!
One day, fellow Human, after our species has attained enlightenment, somehow extricating ourselves from the containments of Planet Earth—you know, like materialism, politics and IPA beers—we shall ascend to Space, beginning our journey through the astral heavens.
Or, if years of Yoga and Acai berry enemas—darling, I read about it on Goop—don’t cleanse our souls and physical forms, the brilliant, inquisitive minds of free market innovation—subsidized by The Government, off course—will have launched us into the black realm of Space.
Not those bloated bureaucracies of Four Letter Government Agencies!
Hollywood, womanizing entrepreneurs will democratize space travel!
(With classicist hierarchies like Rocket Fume Seating, Coach Seating Sponsored by Universal Basic Income and First Classin’ It Like A Saudi Prince, You Pauper Bitch…)
No, seriously, the only reason humanity goes into space is for captial P Profit.
Specifically, plundering The Moon.
In 2025, according to an article on the always wacky Oil Price.com,
“European scientists have announced plans to start mining the moon as early as 2025, though what they’ll be extracting is neither gold nor diamonds, but waste-free nuclear energy thought to be worth trillions of dollars.”
The Moon’s dusty surface contains a precious commodity: an isotope known as helium-3.
Which, I’m sure will power our future 6G Virtual Reality iPhones and AI Powered Tesla’s.
Which…means our beloved Globalist Companies can stop ransacking Africa for all their precious minerals, right? You know, all those elements necessary to power our Technology addicted lifestyles. And, Do-Gooder Eco’ism.
I’m sure the beleaguered people of Congo would appreciate it, yes?
Nope. 2024 is gonna be a big year for cobalt!
Ah, don’t worry Third World Peoples, FIFA can build you some more soccer stadiums!
But, this space race for the next scarce mineral—Peak H3! Peak H3!—commenced in 2007 when China landed its lunar probe. According to a Guardian UK article from that same year, Harrison Schmidt, a geologist who visited The Moon, H3 could be a source of clean energy.
(Shhhh….Don’t tell AOC.)
Clean Energy, Young Socialist, is gonna be dirtied by Capitalism…
In the case of helium-3, Big Mining.
And, probably, Big Fossil Fuel, because they ain’t losing their generational power and wealth.
I’m sure NASA will get a cut, too. Meaning, Government does, as well.
Oh, that’s right, Young Socialists LUV the Government!
Especially Governments that pollute space!
When are lower and middle class workers gonna get taxed for Space Clean Up?
A Resurgence Of…Slime.
Okay, I admit, this article was not published within the scope of this week, but, I did read it this week… And, it was too bizarre to be arbitrarily dismissed.
The Guardian UK had a curious profile in their Experience subsection of Life And Style. The article was titled—I told you this one was a winner—I’m A Teenage Viral Slime Superstar.
Like, Slime Slime?
I’m a child of the 80s, so slime conjures absurdist memories of You Can’t Do That On Television, with its aerial discharges of gushing, toxic neon green ooze.
Somehow, slime has become a fad with the Teenagers Of Today.
The kid in the Guardian UK article is a slime entrepreneur whose bespoke concoctions of slime have become so lucrative, he dropped out of school to travel the world of…slime conventions.
Yes, I’m…I’m flummoxed by this entire development.
Two years before I was born, in 1976 Mattel mass-produced their first batch of slime in the now iconic trash can packaging.
(Yes, I’m still able to smell that particular variant of slime.)
The original Ghostbusters movie—which, I still vaguely remember witnessing from a movie theater seat in 1984—had the apparitional ghoul known as Slimer.
He-Man toys from those years had slime torture chambers…
(Go on, make a bid…)
And, if you had a frenzy of a slime fest with your old He-Man toys—you probably do a podcast about He-Man, too—you can always bid on another canister of authentic He-Man slime…
It’s SEALED RARE VINTAGE.
My mind, in an instance of it’s inexplicable abilities, is able to vividly, I mean, vividly recall a moment from my Elementary school days where I’m seated at my desk repulsed by one of my classmates applying and massaging slime to her bare arms like it was a rejuvenating lotion made by a luxury, Parisian cosmetic boutique…
Yeah, I told the teacher.
Yes, the teacher was disgusted as well.
Yes, Misty was sent to the office.
Anyway, I’m not the only one flummoxed by Slime and The 1980s.
A Redditor posed the question…6 years ago.
Maybe, it’s not so incomprehensible: The Young aren’t as besotted with Tech, as we expertly pontificate and warn. Yeah, sure, they utilize it for entertainment, YouTube’ing their favorite independent slime-maker, but…there is this underlying nostalgia for—
They’re just like Millennials and GenZ’ers: Generations Nostalgic For Things They Never Experienced.
(Wait… is this age group GenZ? Fuck it. I’m Old…Anyone younger than me sucks!)
Because The World Fucking Sucks.
Slime is comforting.
It’s like when you were a little kid and you nuzzled into your Mom’s pillow.
We all want The Simple Days.
Unlike the slime entrepreneur, most of us just aren’t smart enough to exploit that nostalgia…
Wow. That was pretty cynical, huh?
A Series Of Oddities…
Typically, over this Newsletter’s evolution, I’ve delved into 4 to 5 articles, but this week, I found a bunch of odd snippets worthy of attention, article links that otherwise would probably be copy&pasted into some ignominious Note file or even banished to the MacBook’s trash bin…
Or, maybe you can say I’m lazy.
Mommy, This Isn’t The Momo Challenge!
Ars Technica had a strange one:
“Suicide Instructions Spliced Into Kids Cartoons On Youtube And YouTube Kids…”
Yeah, let’s be honest: Is YouTube simply one immersive CIA MKA-Ultra experiment?
No? Yes? Ok Ok…just throwin’ it out there.
From that article,
“The sinister content was first flagged by doctors on the pediatrician-run parenting blog pedimom.com and later reported by the Washington Post. An anonymous “physician mother” initially spotted the content while watching cartoons with her son on YouTube Kids as a distraction while he had a nosebleed. Four minutes and forty-five seconds into a video, the cartoon cut away to a clip of a man, who many readers have pointed out resembles Internet personality Joji (formerly Filthy Frank). He walks onto the screen and simulates cutting his wrist. “Remember, kids, sideways for attention, longways for results,” he says and then walks off screen. The video then quickly flips back to the cartoon.”
Nah…that’s just a…blip.
An insidious, random blip, but a blip, nonetheless…
Continuing from that article,
“…Parents have since discovered that several other cartoons contain information about how to commit suicide, including the same spliced-in video clip. In a subsequent blog post, pediatrician Free Hess, who runs pedimom, reported another cartoon—this time on YouTube—with the clip spliced in at four minutes and forty-four seconds. (ed. note: cranky added the italics).”
C’mon, you know what a strange sense of humor Millennial Google programmers have…Just yuge fans of Monty Python-esque absurdism.
Oh, they’re also familiar with Illuminati number sequences, like say 4.44…
How ‘bout this quote,
“Suicide is the third leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 24, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.”
Jesusfuckingchrist… Suicide is one of the leading causes for 10 year old children?
Get your kids off Technology and Big Social Media.
Send ‘em outside, Mom! Dirt! Bees! Splinters! Let ‘em inhale the day’s chem-trailing residue!
Or, at least toss ‘em a canister of slime!
Aeroplanes Aeroplanes And More Aeroplanes…
(Another, Yes, It’s Outside My Parameters, But I Read It On Zerohedge This Week!)
Preparations For The Next 9/11?
From that WFAA report,
“In fact, more planes are registered to Onalaska than the number of registered planes in entire cities such as Seattle, San Antonio, San Diego, or even New York.”
Forgot to mention, every one of the planes are foreign owned.
Nothing nefarious going on…
“WFAA has learned Onalaska is ground zero for a practice that allows foreigners to anonymously register their planes, and one that critics say makes the United States an easy target for drug dealers, terrorists and other criminals seeking to register their planes.”
Anonymously Register your plane….
It’s like the Delaware for plane registration.
You wanna hear another funny one:
“Here’s what federal law officers detailed in court records seeking to seize one of those two planes:
The plane had been registered in a trust in 2012 on behalf of a Mexican company. The company's legal representative, Fausto Velez Urbina, was convicted in 2005 on federal cocaine trafficking charges and deported back to Mexico in 2010. Urbina purchased the plane from an aircraft broker named Mauricio DeLeon for $1.69 million.
DeLeon had been linked by investigators to former Gulf Cartel leader Osiel Cardenas-Guillen. Cardenas-Guillen, now housed in a U.S. federal prison, founded the much-feared Los Zetas, comprised of former military commandos who served as ruthless assassins for the cartel.”
Trump’s Wall is gonna have to be pretty high, huh?
De-Population Or Baby Explosion? What Is The Elitist Agenda?
The husband and wife team behind the excellent Wall Street On Parade are slowly returning from their hiatus.
In their latest piece, a review of an upcoming book, there is indeed a population agenda, but not an Alex-Jones-On-The-Joe-Rogan-Podcast kind, but rather a “stealth agenda to raise the low birth-rate in the United States.”
Here we go:
“That agenda includes concerted campaigns against abortion, the “morning-after pill” and other forms of contraception. Using exhaustive research, Brown convincingly makes the case that it’s a well-financed corporate agenda implanted in Washington with an end goal of putting more American women in the maternity ward.”
“It’s not a cultural or religious agenda as many people believe. It’s just about money – corporate profits to be more specific. More babies mean more workers and more workers mean cheaper labor because there is no shortage of supply and thus no bargaining power for higher wages. (In that respect, it’s akin to why corporations spent decades undermining the right to unionize. Without a union, the individual worker has little negotiating power for higher wages, benefits or a shorter work week.)”
Buh-Buh-but, that’s why they want Open Borders! Look at Europe! They want to replace us!
“The stealth agenda to boost the supply of corporate workers by raising the birth rate is not as stealthy as it once was – although it has eluded a lot of feminist writers until now.”
See, Corporate drones, not disposable hunchbacks!
Further into the article there is this beauty:
“Brown muses about the money that the billionaire Koch brothers have poured into anti-abortion and anti-contraception groups. The Kochs own the second largest private corporation in the United States, Koch Industries, which employs roughly 120,000 workers worldwide.”
What? The Koch Brothers own the second largest Corporation in The United States!
George, George Soros? Are you going to let those Koch Bros beat you?
Ah, yes, America: Where The Money Men Vie For Supremacy.
So, for those Young and conspiratorially minded, you’re probably asking, “So, what is the agenda, Old Man?”
War On All Sides.
A Slow Death To Keep You Alive Just Long Enough To Maximize Profits…
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As Always, Stay Cynical, My Friends…