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I'm JM Fisher, Writer & Host Of The Weekly Cynic Podcast.

I'm Currently Available For All Projects Relating To Blogging, Articles & Editing.

Bourdain...

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For our acute cultural observers, especially those of self-flagellation and emptied bottles of pessimism, I’m sure you’ve groaned at how Anthony Bourdain’s death incited a two day Twitter trend of Millennialist/GenZ collectivist despair.

Like a trophy wife performing some routine of melodramatic mourning at the funeral of her octogenarian benefactor, these two Generations reallyreallyreally had the mascara staining their puffy red cheeks.

I should be inured to such tedious, outlandish grieving, these spectacles of stupid humans lamenting people whom they’ve never known, people who sacrificed their souls to exist only on screens. But, I must admit, to witness these generations reckoning with the cult of death, I really do get some perverse gratification.

***

Are you of meager talent, but of ample cleavage? Does that stutter, lisp or moderately lazy eye mar your GQ cheekbones? Ah, don’t worry, in the Entertainment Industry, specialists will auto-tune, reconfigure skin and bone, and hone your imaginary talent for reciting lines written by other people into a glamorous persona. 

But, you say, your memorization ability is drowsy and unfocused? Not to worry, various techniques of mental programming and pharmaceuticals will be administered. All those takes will just fly on by!

Then, after years of being plied with sex, drugs and rock and roll, your career will begin to resemble your body: tattoos and wattled, pale skin. Your Entertainment Industry Overlords—having exponentially recouped their investment in you—will deem you unnecessary. From their Beverly Hills compound’s, your former owners will chortle on champagne as you straggle into the gutters of hustlers and TMZ, until, you finally…overdose, suicide, or just plain old die.

But, then, the real stardom begins. 

Your death will be venerated, your entire life lauded into a mythology where it can be perpetually exploited for profit by the Entertainment Industry, your “Estate”, media scribblers and all the other assorted shills, hucksters, advocates and allies of drug and suicide prevention. 

In our social media age, sordid tales of a celebrity life taken so-young-so-fast can be revered infinitely, retweeted and #RIPhashtagged within seconds, minutes and hours with the entire world reliving Marilyn, Kurt and now…some grizzled Chef.

***

From the grime and grease of Kitchen Confidential, to the raggedy VHS quality of a Chef’s Tour and the minor big time of No Reservations, Anthony Bourdain sneered and snorted, but also, as with any real cynic, enlightened us to not only how fucked up everything is, but how it could all be enjoyed. 

He taught us that life, hell, even following your passion, could lead to dark heroin filled depths, but, friends and food, even with a Heineken hangover, could make everything tolerable. 

Why make Everything Political? 

Just enjoy the beer and barbecue hospitality of an old, crazy rock star and his entourage while partaking in the toxic masculinity of firing an assault style weapon! Love a particular country ruled by a totalitarian dictator who propagandizes his shirtless horseback riding? Fuck it! The vodka is good, and your buddy, Zamir, has an itinerary that ensures adventure and drunken hijinks!

But, for Bourdain, and all other cynical truth-sayers and rebels, the show cannot go on forever.

Eventually, The Three Letter Network’s pursue, promising unconstrained budgets and all the glamorous synergy of The Entertainment Industry. 

The Overlords begin to strategize, unveiling Parts Unknown.

***

Three Letter Network Specialist 1: Tony, again, we can’t tell you enough how happy we’re to have you here.

Three Letter Network Specialist 2: Exactly, Tony, but…we really wanna, I dunno, kinda soften that “Sardonic Wit” of yours—a bit, Tony. Jus-ta-bit.

Yeah, Tony, we’re thinking of going with the “I Have A Child Now/The World Suddenly Has Meaning Epiphany.” Again, Tony, it’s just standard stuff.

Yeah, Tony, can you play that? I mean, really give it go.

Oh, and we have talking points for The Russia Episode.

Yeah, as you know, Tony, our network pundits are all former CIA, who’re also employed by globalist Institutes and Foundations, so we really get that synergistic propaganda disguised as hysterical news reporting and commentary…

Yeah, yeah, Tony… Also, we have the outline for The Obama episode. He’s really looking to fortify the Millennialist/GenZ demographic, just like he did on Maron’s podcast. So, as you know, you have been trending really well with that crowd, so we could really use your support to knock this episode out of the park!

Uh-huh, exactly… Listen, Tony, aligning yourself with “Leftist Politics” and their Twitter Movements could be very good for us—er, for YOU. I mean, we have the “Diversity And Inclusion” package readied for you…

As you know, The Millennialist/GenZ demographic is really passionate about “Politics.” I mean, whatever President Obama told them, they believed. So again, aligning with that Obama train, could be really profitable for us—I mean, you, Tony. This is all ABOUT YOU.


Tony, you have been an influencer in the whole “Cool Chef Movement” for years now and--

Yeah, sorry to interrupt, but kids are graduating from The Culinary Institute Of America at record rates, which, as we know, really continues that debt cycle for the Millennialist/GenZ demo…

And, as our numbers consistently show, The Millennialist/GenZ demo is really passionate about food: artisanal, craft, farm-to-table, organic, buy local, all that stuff, Tony… 

So, what he’s saying, Tony, by pivoting and leveraging, you can really tap into that “Millennialist/GenZ Leftist Food” demographic.

Yeah, Tony, these kids really went for our earlier package of “Everything Is Political,” so now, for them, food embodies their “identify.”  I mean, they don’t see you as some “Cultural Appropriator” at all, but, it’s a really fine line… So, that’s where the whole “Diversity and Inclusion” package comes in with some really good material and talking points to study.

Yeah, so, we don’t want it to be too preachy, right? But, we want that underlining “Racism-Xenophobic” bit in your episodes now, okay, right?

Oh, and sorry, about the divorce, but here are some candidates for your “Partner.” 

Now, we were thinking going “Euro-Cool” for you, how does that sound, Tony?

Yeah, underground, arty, punk… AND, those who will be spear-heading the “Leftist Political” Movements we will be slowly rolling out. Again, it’s all about aligning yourself with the Millennialist/GenZ demo…

In your Partner Packet, we have a few different scenarios for you… So, you can take a look at their photos and profiles, and get back to us on that, okay?

Oh, before we forget, Tony, we don’t want you to look Old Rock Star With An Arthritic Hunch, so we set you up with a great episode with a really influential band… They really have that whole “Cool-Fashion Aesthetic” and there is going to be partying and drinking, all the requisite hipster/new bohemian crowd… Sounds good, huh?

Now, Tony, I don’t want you to feel like you HAVE to play along, okay?

Exactly, Tony, he’s right. Bbbuuutttt, I mean, remember to read your contract…

Yeah, we don’t wanna see you on TMZ in the future, now do we?

(laughter)

Uh, seriously, Tony… You do all of this, you’re gonna be famous for a long, long, long time...

FEARFEARFEARFEARFEAR!!!!

Men, Just Stop...