God Ticked: "I Won't Watch Ally"
Palm Springs - City officials today admitted to being completely helpless in combating the
freak phenomenon which threatened to shake their town to it's very foundations. The crisis
centered around long time resident and actor, Harrison Page, who recently appeared on the hit FOX comedy,
"Ally McBeal". Page,
who portrayed Mark Newman,
"the preacher", according to town officials, had apparently become the unwitting
recipient of God's wrath, as his home became the target of a series of cruel plagues, the
likes of which had not been seen since those described in the bible. Page's character, in
an apparent poor choice of words, commented that Jesus, (son of God), had been
quote, "Off on that one", in an interchange with "Ally" played by
actress Calista Flockhart, referring to her perceived violation of the commandment
"Thou shall not commit adultery". Mayor of the town, Frank Harmon, told
reporters that the town's resources were stretched to the limit, in an attempt to remove
an estimated 17 metric tons of frogs and locusts from Page's property. "Every truck
we have is involved in the rescue, but they fall as fast as we can remove them" Trapped inside the residence, Page and his family could be seen franticly hurling the unwelcome amphibians from all windows of the home. Adding to his woes, was the presence of some 90 enraged parishioners, waving signs exclaiming, "Go God Go!" and "Who's Off Now, Preacher?"
Father Ben Janer, Catholic minister of the local "Our Sacred Mary Of Vengeance" church, accompanied by a 9 year old companion, was quick to condemn the actor, stating, "Ours is a merciful God. Many of us would have preferred crucifixion, but it is not our place to question the Almighty". Asked why she thought Page deserving of the cruel treatment, Sarah Peterson, who participated in the protest shouted, "Just what the hell were you thinking!? Christ only knows you deserve everything you get you damn sinner!!" As the angry mob cheered on the spectacle, the young boy accompanying Janer expressed his desire to leave the scene, and Janer agreed, responding, "Very well my child. This is not a situation your innocent eyes should be forced to witness. Come now back to the sanctuary, where we shall speak instead, of love and tenderness", to which the boy replied, "Yes father, but could we play a different game this time?
Town spokesmen later commented, that due to the tremendous costs involved with the divine amphibian removal, funds would not be available for the spraying of mosquitoes due this summer, though adding, "We believe it will be a light season for them anyway"