AOL Confirms: "Bellows Is Out"

Dallas - Representatives of the well known internet service provider "America Online", announced today, that plans to feature actor Gil Bellows in a live online chat event, were cancelled when high level executives learned of the proposed idea. Bellows, who portrays "Billy" on the hit show, was according to insiders at the company, not their first choice, but was settled upon after every other member of the cast declined to be associated with the online service. In a statement this morning, actor Lucy Liu, commented, "We don't believe it would be beneficial to any of our careers to be involved with a company who's data transmission rate is only slightly better than stretching a length of string between two tin cans" Spokesman for the company, Harold Johnson,  also soundly opposed to the arrangement, added, "We have been forced to terminate the employees who proposed the idea. The last thing we need at this point, is another nail in our coffin" While it was not clear as to the other problems Mr. Johnson was referring, many believed him to be alluding to AOL's recent partnership with Microsoft rival, Netscape, Inc. , and the planned incorporation of their internet browser "Netscape Navigator" into the company's online service. Internet industry analysts did not concur with Johnson's assessment of Bellows, stating "While there is no doubt Mr. Bellow's chat session would have indeed been a disaster, even his dull, uninspiring presence, would have paled in significance to the merger with Netscape", "Using that abomination", he went on to add, "You'd have trouble navigating to your ass with the use of the browser and both hands"
   AOL representatives angrily denied Johnson's assessment, citing their service had never been easier to use. The firm that designed and manufactured the company's servers, Fisher Price, Inc., echoed Johnson's defense of the system, while at the same time condemning the company's proposed arrangement with Bellows.